How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
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It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
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Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one