Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
You Might Also Like
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
Nice try, NASA
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.