Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
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Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
*ernest hemingway voice*
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
I hate everything
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.