♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
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At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
#Caturday
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.