My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
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Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
School be like
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.