How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
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Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
Baking is just science you can eat.
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”