How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
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My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.