“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
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Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.