I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
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[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all