how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
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My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.