*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
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I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Bill is short for Billiam
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.