Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
You Might Also Like
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.