The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
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The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
😂😂
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market