awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
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Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Feel. He’s so soft.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
Somebody’s lying.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
im all 3
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
Buying a well is money well spent.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY