How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
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This fish is cracking me up
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?