@TheAlexNevil: How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
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@lazerdoov: *on a first date* Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal Me: aw thanks *turns to the waiter* Me: do you have pony meat
@nbadag: [me as a passenger on the titanic] oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
@Faux_Ma: He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered "What makes you think this is steak?" While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
@Jamie1947: [tv ad] Hey folks, this is Don Key! Come on down to Key's Automotive for.. uh- [camera still rolling] holy shit .. donkey. my name is donkey