How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
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How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.