Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
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If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
Jurassic park gets weird
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
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There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation