“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
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I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*