How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
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It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
Great Canadian literature.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.