How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
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My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
Monday Lisa
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
✌🏽
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without