How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
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*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference