@omgthatspunny: How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
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@AlanFelyk: Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you. Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
@freezingsheep: If I hear a bang when I'm driving I just assume I broke the sound barrier. Not sure where all these dents are coming from though.
@HonestToddler: Toddler: I don't like you. *hits* Adult: I don't like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
@TheGladStork: When my wife pisses me off, I get on her Pinterest and pin lots of mediocre shit, like cupcakes that just look like cupcakes.