How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
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Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
Sharon, call the vet
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat