How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
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person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
She was REALLY feeling it.
a fate I wish upon no one
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
Möther may I have a snäck
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”