“HOW” – dyslexic owl
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“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
I didn’t realize that was an option
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great