@PJTLynch: How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
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@Cheeseboy22: The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
@WheelTod: [Funeral] Me: "Do you mind if I say a word?" Widow: "Please do" Me *clears throat: "Plethora!" Widow: "Thank you. That means a lot."
@timdonakowski: After weeks of being called lazy, not only did I put up all our Christmas decorations today, I also took them down.