How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
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My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
there has never been a better use of this meme
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.