@massive_images: Dad: "So what are you going to do after you graduate?" Me: "well, mom said we'll probably go out somewhere to eat"

@robfee: Past elections: Which candidate will most improve our country? 2016 election: Which candidate is least likely to start The Purge?

@Stella1070: I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.

@AsgardianRose: Harry Potter: A Shortened Version Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter. Everyone else: Lol, no.

@Home_Halfway: Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage