How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
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ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.