Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
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I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog