Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
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Haha! 😂
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
me working on my assignments ^-^
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.