Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
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I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
God has abandoned us.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.