How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
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If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently