kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
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Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
I see your IQ test came back negative
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Safety first
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.