How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
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Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
Called it
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
A duv-egg? In this economy?
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.