“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
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Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why