“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
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posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
This is sending me to another galaxy
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.