This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
You Might Also Like
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
Oh we’ve met.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭