Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
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You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”