How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
You Might Also Like
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.