How long do you have to wait between naps?
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I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
Oh my god
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t