How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
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I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
I’m tired tomorrow.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.