@MichaelGoffLA: How long does a guest have to overstay before you can claim them on your taxes?
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@hello_saylor: Fact: it's impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You're all, "Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!"
@ArfMeasures: WIFE: I'm leaving ME: Well it's no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I'm not sure we even like each other any more WIFE: I'm leaving to go to the shops ME: Ooh get tacos
@egg_dog: supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’