@MichaelGoffLA: How long does a guest have to overstay before you can claim them on your taxes?
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@djdarrellripley: Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it... Who plays the piano? Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody's nerves.
@KeetPotato: [talking to my guide dog] this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again [from a nearby speaker] "FIFTEEN-LOVE"
@sixfootcandy: [family brunch] Sister: We'd love you to be our daughter's godmother. Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.