I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
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One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
pep talk
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
Mad Max: Furry Road
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.