@MichaelGoffLA: How long does a guest have to overstay before you can claim them on your taxes?
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@NYC_Blonde: The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you'd think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
@Writethatdown12: Trainer: "ok, lets warm up 1st....wait, where are you going!?" Me: "tanning bed"
@bourgeoisalien: #TT At 14 I yelled, "You'll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!" and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
@PaperWash: me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter] cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm? me: snow storm?