[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
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shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
Cats are still liquid.
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work