How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
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To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack