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@Elizasoul80: How loud can you talk?
@UncleDuke1969: Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
@mayamanion: Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
@lecalabara: Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
@HairyJew4Life: Interviewer: So where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I'd say my biggest weakness is listening.
@The_JRM: Automatic doors don't work when running full speed. I know that now.