How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
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If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries