@ChrisHallbeck: How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
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@juicymorsel: Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she "couldn't make it in to work." This is called managing upwards, people.
@KeetPotato: me: "we commemorate the day you died every year" jesus: "thats nice, what's the day called?" me: jesus: me: jesus: "keith?" me: "bad friday"
@dxblarssonENG: Top three reasons he doesn't text you back: 1. He's just not that into you 2. He's imaginary 3. He's a cat