[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
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I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
She puts the hot in psychotic
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.