@serialmatrix: How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
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@Sassafrantz: [first date] Him: You're amazing! I'm having a great time! Me: I will fight you for the rest of this pizza.
@UncleDuke1969: "Hi-" "I have a boyfriend." "Do y-" "I have a boyfriend." "Excuse m-" "I have a boyfriend." "I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS."
@AJslackie2: *Lexus dealership* Sales person: if you buy a new Lexus we will make the first months payment Me: so who makes the other 59 payments?
@ocourtneyno: When you accidentally type "me" instead of "my" I read your tweets as if you are a leprechaun.