How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
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FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*