@serialmatrix: How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
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@SirEviscerate: Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me. *flips coin into ceiling fan, it's knocked out a window into the sea*
@_Ashley_Jordan: I'm going to walk up to strangers and ask "Would you take a photo of me?" If they say yes, I will hand them a photo of me and walk away.
@TheMichaelRock: Boss: Why did you call off yesterday? Me: You said I should do what's best for the company. Boss.... Me: I'll take that promotion now.