How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
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If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
You got this…
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.