@the_blacklisted: How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
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@GoldenSpirals: My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over, and now I'm frantically looking for a new place to live.
@SCbchbum: My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
@Inconsteveable: Me: "Can I leave work half an hour early?" Boss: "Only if you make up the time." "OK. It's 35 past 50." Boss: "Just go.."
@SlickestOfRicks: "Maybe connect two monocles together? Pretty good idea. I have to write this down." - the guy that invented the pen