How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
You Might Also Like
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.