If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
Ummm
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
I bet
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.